Hate spirals, part 2
One of the worst things about my scary job-seeking experience is that it's making me into a bad person. I've been aware for two years that the job market in Portland is tough, and getting tougher by the day. Knowing that is stressful, and I think it's changed me. I've never been a nice person, exactly, but now I'm a mean person.
I am jealous of EVERYBODY with a job that's even marginally decent. When I talk to people who are employed, especially in jobs with real benefits, I am always secretly thinking "So... what's so great about you? What do YOU do that's so special that you get to earn a paycheck and have vacations and health insurance? Hm? Show me your specialness!" And they don't. Okay, sometimes they do, but mostly they don't, because you have to be special (and/or well-connected) to get most kinds of jobs in Portland right now, and many people who were hired more than two years ago don't meet that ridiculously high standard. In my temporary, poorly-paid, un-benefited job, I work pretty often with somebody who has a good, solid, job about which he complains all the time, and I have to bite my tongue.
Also, I can't help but kick myself for having made bad choices. I should not have gone back to school - I've lost out on three years of wages and career progression, and I can't go back to my old career. If I had to go back to school, I should have gotten trained as a machinist. Now I find myself 33 years old, with two kids, one heading to school in a few short months and one happily settled into daycare after a long and painful adjustment period, and I have no stability whatsoever. I feel like a failure as an adult.
To recap: mean, judgmental, regretful, and jealous. Also tired. It's very tiring being mean and jealous and anxious.
I am jealous of EVERYBODY with a job that's even marginally decent. When I talk to people who are employed, especially in jobs with real benefits, I am always secretly thinking "So... what's so great about you? What do YOU do that's so special that you get to earn a paycheck and have vacations and health insurance? Hm? Show me your specialness!" And they don't. Okay, sometimes they do, but mostly they don't, because you have to be special (and/or well-connected) to get most kinds of jobs in Portland right now, and many people who were hired more than two years ago don't meet that ridiculously high standard. In my temporary, poorly-paid, un-benefited job, I work pretty often with somebody who has a good, solid, job about which he complains all the time, and I have to bite my tongue.
Also, I can't help but kick myself for having made bad choices. I should not have gone back to school - I've lost out on three years of wages and career progression, and I can't go back to my old career. If I had to go back to school, I should have gotten trained as a machinist. Now I find myself 33 years old, with two kids, one heading to school in a few short months and one happily settled into daycare after a long and painful adjustment period, and I have no stability whatsoever. I feel like a failure as an adult.
To recap: mean, judgmental, regretful, and jealous. Also tired. It's very tiring being mean and jealous and anxious.
I am trying to become a better person, but it's awfully hard. I'll keep you posted.
Comments
love you.