Impostor/author
I struggle to accurately understand my own accomplishments in a lot of fields. Sometimes I feel like I'm amazingly good and other times I feel like I don't even deserve to be in the room where this work is being done. I am given to understand that the second part of this, impostor syndrome, is common for people who might be considered under-represented, and that women often struggle with it. I don't know why my experience of it alternates with delusions of grandeur, though.
The impostor syndrome side of this really shows up when I'm looking for work. I'm 42, and I still am clicking on entry-level jobs. My coworkers are encouraging me to apply for higher level jobs, managing projects or programs, and I am constantly surprised by this.
Last night I dreamed that a woman who was some sort of semi-famous lifestyle coach invited me to speak about my book at a lecture series. I said "sure, why not!?" and then when I arrived at the venue and was waiting in the wings, prepared to just kind of talk off the cuff,* it occurred to me that I wasn't sure I had actually written a book. I tried to remember, and the first thing I considered was that I couldn't remember getting any royalty checks. Or, you know, actually doing the work of WRITING A BOOK. And then I picked up a copy of the book, and flipped through it, and I started to realize that no, I definitely had not written this book.** I started thinking about how I was going to solve this problem, and then, fortunately, I woke up.
*This actually makes some sense. I'm usually happy to talk off the cuff in public, in spite of my anxiety and mediocre social skills.
** It was titled "Life is Good," which definitely should have immediately tipped me off that I didn't write it.
The impostor syndrome side of this really shows up when I'm looking for work. I'm 42, and I still am clicking on entry-level jobs. My coworkers are encouraging me to apply for higher level jobs, managing projects or programs, and I am constantly surprised by this.
Last night I dreamed that a woman who was some sort of semi-famous lifestyle coach invited me to speak about my book at a lecture series. I said "sure, why not!?" and then when I arrived at the venue and was waiting in the wings, prepared to just kind of talk off the cuff,* it occurred to me that I wasn't sure I had actually written a book. I tried to remember, and the first thing I considered was that I couldn't remember getting any royalty checks. Or, you know, actually doing the work of WRITING A BOOK. And then I picked up a copy of the book, and flipped through it, and I started to realize that no, I definitely had not written this book.** I started thinking about how I was going to solve this problem, and then, fortunately, I woke up.
*This actually makes some sense. I'm usually happy to talk off the cuff in public, in spite of my anxiety and mediocre social skills.
** It was titled "Life is Good," which definitely should have immediately tipped me off that I didn't write it.
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