I'm going on a diet.

I'm not going on a calorie diet.* I'm going on a internet diet. I haven't figured out the details, but it's been stewing in my mind for a little. I quit Facebook this weekend, which felt pretty good. Reading this article was uncomfortable because it sounded very familiar. I don't have much in the way of gadgets - compared to most people I know, I'm a crazy Luddite** - but I am very susceptible to that rush of adrenaline you get from checking your email, and tend to flip back and forth between windows (how much do I love my Google Reader? Far, far too much...) way too often for maximization of productivity.

There's a limit to how much I can give up without losing touch with professional and personal stuff that I'd prefer not to lose, but I can trim down a bit more, and I can certainly control my total time and my flipping-back-and-forth problem. Right?

I'll keep you posted on this self-improvement project, too!

Dutch graduates Thursday evening, and I graduate Friday morning. Pictures will be posted.



*Though that would be a good idea. One thing at a time.
** We have an ipod, an ancient stupidphone, a fancy but aging camera, a decent but aging desktop, and a netbook. Relatively restrained, I guess.

Do you have confidence in your medical provider? I'm concerned about mine.

It' s raining (a LOT - not the usual Portland drizzle, but a steady, heavy all-day kind of rain), and Skipper is sick with a fever and a corresponding case of The Crankies. Dutch is throwing tantrums. I have a two papers and one final due this week, and also two job applications to complete today.

So I am blogging!

The scene: Yesterday. Dutch has wheedled me into playing with her. (Cook and Skipper are asleep.)

Me: Hello, doctor.
DrDutch: Hello. How can I help you today?
M: Um... My elbow hurts, and the top of my head.
DrD: Oh. Let me listen to your heart.
M: Okay.
DrD: Hm. Well, I'm sorry to tell you this... I'm worried about you. I can't hear your heart.
M: Oh, no!
DrD: Yes, well, I will have to give you some medicine. Now, do you want some ointment, or do you want a bandage?
M: Ointment, please.
DrD: Are you sure? You have to put the ointment on five times a day. You could get a shot instead. It doesn't hurt at all.
M: Okay. Give me a shot.
(pause)
DrD: By the way, I don't know how to read.

Jeez. Enough already.

Enough with the whining. It's a BEAUTIFUL day,* and even though I had to spend the morning working, I got to be at a farmers' market, which was delightful. And then I came home and put a hairclip into Skipper's scanty bangs, and gave her strawberries and peas for snack.














She offered to help put the lens cap back on the camera.














She laughed at my witty jokes.














*It's been raining a LOT, which is surely contributing to my general dejectedness.

Hate spirals, part 2

One of the worst things about my scary job-seeking experience is that it's making me into a bad person. I've been aware for two years that the job market in Portland is tough, and getting tougher by the day. Knowing that is stressful, and I think it's changed me. I've never been a nice person, exactly, but now I'm a mean person.

I am jealous of EVERYBODY with a job that's even marginally decent. When I talk to people who are employed, especially in jobs with real benefits, I am always secretly thinking "So... what's so great about you? What do YOU do that's so special that you get to earn a paycheck and have vacations and health insurance? Hm? Show me your specialness!" And they don't. Okay, sometimes they do, but mostly they don't, because you have to be special (and/or well-connected) to get most kinds of jobs in Portland right now, and many people who were hired more than two years ago don't meet that ridiculously high standard. In my temporary, poorly-paid, un-benefited job, I work pretty often with somebody who has a good, solid, job about which he complains all the time, and I have to bite my tongue.

Also, I can't help but kick myself for having made bad choices. I should not have gone back to school - I've lost out on three years of wages and career progression, and I can't go back to my old career. If I had to go back to school, I should have gotten trained as a machinist. Now I find myself 33 years old, with two kids, one heading to school in a few short months and one happily settled into daycare after a long and painful adjustment period, and I have no stability whatsoever. I feel like a failure as an adult.

To recap: mean, judgmental, regretful, and jealous. Also tired. It's very tiring being mean and jealous and anxious.

I am trying to become a better person, but it's awfully hard. I'll keep you posted.

Pretty frayed. Not afraid, though.

I'm sorry I've been writing so many lame-o posts. I'm pretty tired. I graduate next week, and I have finals, and job applications, and ... you know... stuff.

This is a quote from Dutch's parent-teacher conference report from a few weeks ago: "We would like to help [Dutch] work on walking away from friends when she is finding it difficult to work together and letting go of problems that do not directly affect her."

They said lots of nice things about her, too, of course. I just thought that bit was funny because those are problems I've always had, too. I'm the sort of person who gets crazed with silent fury when people cut in line. Cook is always patting me on the shoulder trying to get me to let go of the many minor injustices of life.

It's probably good to know what silicosis is.

We have long had trouble getting Dutch to sleep. Once you get her to stop talking, she passes out, but that's easier said than done - if she's not allowed to talk to other people, she talks to herself. We have a new trick now, and it's working beautifully. We put on a CD in her room, and she lies quietly and listens to it, and usually falls asleep by the third or fourth track.

What is this magical music, you wonder? It's perfect. It's slow and soporific, but also dramatic. The fun bonus is that Dutch (while awake) occasionally bursts out with dramatic snippets of song: "and I feel like I'm DYING from MINING for GOLD!" or "Misguided angel, love you till I'm DEAD!!"

If you're in the mood to feel very sad...

... then you should definitely look at these photos.

Movies

In the absence of any interesting posts, here are some movies from the last month or so:

1) Skipper wearing shorts. If there's anything cuter than a small toddler in shorts, let me know.


2) Dutch delivering her memorized poem at her final acting class for an audience of parents with camcorders. This is only for deeply, truly, dedicated Fans of Dutch, because Cook filmed the whole thing sideways, and I can't be bothered to try to figure out how to rotate the image. Also, it's pretty boring even right side up.


3) Skipper and Dutch. They did this for about five minutes before I started filming, and then of course Skipper noticed the camera and had to come try to eat it. Skipper thinks that Dutch is incredibly, endlessly interesting and funny.

You didn't believe me when I told you Dutch was enormous.

This is Dutch with two of her classmates.

I have found the perfect job for me.

This is it!