A really big whine.
I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong. I have so much to do, and I do it so incompletely and so poorly that I feel like a fraud as a grown-up. Seriously. I don't even DO that much, and I feel overwhelmed. Here's what I try to do:
1) Raise children without fucking them up too badly.
2) Feed the family reasonably healthily.
3) Maintain the household (and family) in a not-too-filthy state
4) Do an okay job at work.
5) Stay on top of our patched-together childcare system.
6) Not be a jerk.
7) Stay in touch with a few people outside my immediate family.
8) Maintain the house and yard in a not-too-shabby state.
9) Stay at least sort of connected with my husband.
My to-do list has stuff on it like "water plants" and "take shower" and "wash breakfast dishes" and "take out trash" and "decide whether or not to get a seismic retrofit so your house won't fall off the foundation if the Big Earthquake hits while you still own it" and it takes forever just to do that.* Not to mention the looming to-do item of GET A GODDAMNED JOB ALREADY. Plus I'm supposed to be taking care of myself (exercise! meditation! vacations!) and keeping my marriage zesty (dates! romantic notes! lacy underpants!) and building community (book clubs! neighborhood associations! potluck dinners!) and being politically active (letters to senators! protests! volunteering!) and homesteading (sewing! canning! other frugal wholesome arts!) and all kind of other stuff that would make me happier and better and whatever. I go back and forth between thinking many people feel this way, and then noticing that I know many people who get twice as much done as I do. (You KNOW those people. Some of you are those people. How do you do it, anyway? Is there a drug for this?)
So am I wildly incompetent? Is my laziness even more rampant than I thought? Did I miss some big secret about how to do this?** Is anybody else's adulthood as jury-rigged as mine? Or maybe I just spend too much time blogging.***
Anyway, I can live with it. I know that I could make more time by being more efficient and not wasting time on the internet. I just wish there was a little more real down time. Sometimes Dutch complains when I make her do onerous stuff like pick up her dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket, rather than leave them on the floor. She says "I have to do ALL THE WORK!!!" and I have to take a deep breath so I don't whack her upside the head with her grimy socks.
*Painting one room of our house took us three weeks to complete. (In our defense, Cook is a perfectionist and insisted on multiple coats, and the previous owner was so sloppy about painting that there was quite a bit of remediation to do.)
**I'm looking for a really good tip here, like "Wait, didn't you get the manual?" or "You were supposed to buy a self-cleaning house!" or "Silly, you don't actually have to worry about retirement because civilization's going to collapse and all you'll need is a seismically-retrofitted basement full of food, attack dogs, and guns!"
***Yesterday I was emailing while Skipper wandered around the study, and after a while I looked over and found she'd gone to sleep on the floor, her butt up in the air and all her limbs neatly folded under her. I think having your kid fall asleep on the floor while you waste time on the internet probably qualifies as inattentive parenting.
Comments
**i'm subscribing to the "Silly, you don't actually have to worry about retirement because civilization's going to collapse and all you'll need is a seismically-retrofitted basement full of food, attack dogs, and guns!" theory. so far it works for us. i'm in a constant panic because we don't have enough acreage (thinking we'll need about 2 acres) and i fear for our immediate food safety. it's getting to the point where if i don't pack up 100 quarts of tomatoes for the winter, i fear the apocalypse. i still think the answer to all this is to live in houses next to each other, co-raise kids, and share much of the work. but how to actually do this? who has enough funds to purchase the land required? sheesh. i waver between burying my head in the sand and hoping for a quick death should the apocalypse come and feeling bolstered enough to homestead as much as i can.
***i think it's exactly the right kind of parenting. minus, perhaps the internet surfing part. but i'm all for the leave-your-kid-alone-as-much-as-they-can-stand-it approach. you are my teacher and guide in this respect, btw. i'm glad for it. no pressure, though.