I talk a lot about this, so you've probably heard it before. I've probably even written about it before. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how the difference between my two kids has really destroyed my confidence in my parenting. When I only had one kid, while I would never admit it in public, I secretly prided myself on what I considered to be any evidence in Dutch that I had made good parenting decisions. For example, Dutch was a very independent, confident kid by age 2 or so, and remains so. When she started daycare, she was perfectly cheerful about separating from us - I don't remember her ever crying or clinging. I was sure this was because of our "attachment parenting" practices (or the lazy-person's variations thereof), which fostered her confidence in her attachment to us so she could become so independent. And she's always been (relatively) game about trying new foods, and liked a wide variety of foods. She was good in restaurants and other public places. She listened to instructions. She never ran away from us on a sidewalk. She was robustly healthy. All of these positive, readily-apparent traits were definitely due to me and Cook and our brilliant parenting.
Then we got Skipper, who very quickly poked holes in all my parenting puffery. She hit every single one. Skipper despises new things. Skipper clings and cries at any possibility of separation.* Skipper hates new food and doesn't really care for any food except things that are bad for her. Skipper wouldn't really even eat food until she was nearly a year old. Skipper sucks at restaurants. Skipper runs away. Skipper has never left a medical appointment on a positive note. (This reads like a litany of complaints about Skipper, which isn't fair - she has many lovely, positive characteristics and behaviors that Dutch has never had. But that's not my point.) She destroyed every delusion I had about my ability to parent my kids into desirable behaviors.
Both my kids have spent their whole lives convincing me that very little of what I do makes much difference in shaping their temperaments. I have one kid who is eagerly looking forward to sleepaway camp this summer, and one kid whom I suspect won't want to be away from home overnight until she hits adolescence. I have one kid who adores extracurriculars of any kind, and one kid who won't participate in anything new. I have one kid who eats kale and likes rules, and one kid who doesn't. It's probably for the best that my delusions have been so completely trampled. While I know that my parenting affects the kids, I also know that their personalities** do not at all reflect me, and that makes it easier*** for me to step back and let them meet the world on their own terms. Which is good, right? Even if Skipper never eats kale.
*Of course, it's possible that Dutch herself may be partly responsible for some of Skipper's challenging traits, particularly her anxiety. Skipper has been worried lately about the prospect of being "stolen" - she expressed concern this week that I might be stolen if I was alone in the kitchen. Then she told me that Dutch told her she used to have another sister, before Skipper was born, and that sister was alone in the bathroom and a bad person came in and stole her. Which puts Skipper's fear of being stolen in a different light entirely...
**Unlike, say, their use of profanities or their tendency to yell.
*** EasiER, not easy.
Then we got Skipper, who very quickly poked holes in all my parenting puffery. She hit every single one. Skipper despises new things. Skipper clings and cries at any possibility of separation.* Skipper hates new food and doesn't really care for any food except things that are bad for her. Skipper wouldn't really even eat food until she was nearly a year old. Skipper sucks at restaurants. Skipper runs away. Skipper has never left a medical appointment on a positive note. (This reads like a litany of complaints about Skipper, which isn't fair - she has many lovely, positive characteristics and behaviors that Dutch has never had. But that's not my point.) She destroyed every delusion I had about my ability to parent my kids into desirable behaviors.
Both my kids have spent their whole lives convincing me that very little of what I do makes much difference in shaping their temperaments. I have one kid who is eagerly looking forward to sleepaway camp this summer, and one kid whom I suspect won't want to be away from home overnight until she hits adolescence. I have one kid who adores extracurriculars of any kind, and one kid who won't participate in anything new. I have one kid who eats kale and likes rules, and one kid who doesn't. It's probably for the best that my delusions have been so completely trampled. While I know that my parenting affects the kids, I also know that their personalities** do not at all reflect me, and that makes it easier*** for me to step back and let them meet the world on their own terms. Which is good, right? Even if Skipper never eats kale.
*Of course, it's possible that Dutch herself may be partly responsible for some of Skipper's challenging traits, particularly her anxiety. Skipper has been worried lately about the prospect of being "stolen" - she expressed concern this week that I might be stolen if I was alone in the kitchen. Then she told me that Dutch told her she used to have another sister, before Skipper was born, and that sister was alone in the bathroom and a bad person came in and stole her. Which puts Skipper's fear of being stolen in a different light entirely...
**Unlike, say, their use of profanities or their tendency to yell.
*** EasiER, not easy.
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