Mean Mommy

Dutch and I spend the afternoon and evening together today, and I was not being patient with her. She was dawdling and taunting me (she has a knack for suddenly launching into deliberately provocative behavior RIGHT before we're supposed to be leaving for somewhere) and I was pissed off. My good-parenting reservoirs were dry. She was traipsing lightheartedly down the stairs, while I fumed at the bottom, waiting for her (AS ALWAYS!!!!!!), and I said "Come on, honey, we have to go" (in my mean angry voice, so that "honey" didn't sound endearing at all), and she said "Mom, I am COMING" in a very calm, firm voice, like she was my mom and I was a bratty impatient child. It caught me offguard, and tipped my angry mood enough that I had to smile at my goofball daughter, and she said, her voice full of astonishment, "Mom, you're smiling!". Like it was an incredibly rare and improbable event. I can't believe my daughter is surprised when I smile at her.

I made the resolutions I've made countless times before. I am going to be patient. I am not going to indulge my anger at her. I am going to give myself timeouts. I am going to smile more. I am. I don't think choosing to be a parent means signing away your right to be angry, to make mistakes, to be resentful and mean, and generally to have bad moments, but I think it SHOULD involve making an effort not to make your child suffer for your own problems. I am overwhelmed right now, and I feel that it's okay for Dutch to see that I'm grumpy and tired and having a hard time, and that it's part of life to feel that way sometimes. But she should never feel like any of it is her fault, and I think I do sometimes make her feel that way. Not that I would ever say anything like that, or consciously think it. (Which is not to say that I don't think daily about how much easier it was to be busy before I had a dawdling child in tow.) But sometimes I let my general stress and anxiety pump up my small frustrations with her, and she must feel it. So I have to find a way to work out my feelings without having to involve her. Also, apparently we need to start getting ready about an hour before we actually need to leave.