Anxious

A few months ago, I went to the doctor because I'd been having chest pains and shortness of breath. I was pretty sure it was anxiety, because I am an anxious person, and I have some legitimate things to be anxious about, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't terribly ill. The doctor said, after verifying that I am, in fact, quite healthy for a fat lazy person, "Is there a chance it could be anxiety?" and I said "Yes, there's a good chance," and she said "What are you feeling anxious about?" and I burst into tears. This was surprising to both of us.

I AM feeling pretty damn anxious these days. Not depressed, just afraid - I think the lack of sadness made me underestimate how much of a toll the fear was taking on me. I'm afraid that Cook will lose his job. I'm afraid I will never get another job (this is the big one, really). I'm afraid my family members or I will get sick or badly injured. I'm afraid of natural disasters. I'm afraid of people being mean to me.

If you're not naturally an anxious person, it's probably hard for you to understand how afraid it's possible to be. For me, life is a series of Almost/If-Only Moments. You know how when something bad happens, you often think about how if you had just chosen to do or not do something, the bad thing wouldn't have happened? Like "If I had just been paying attention when I stepped down that last stair!" or "If I had just chosen not to say that one thing!" or "If I had just gone to check on the baby one more time!" You hear stories all the time about people who missed a plane that then crashed, or who walked out the door a minute before the building collapsed or whatever. Those are Almost/If-Only Moments.

I think about Almost/If-Only Moments all the time. For me, life is a series of escapes from disaster. I did not say the incredibly stupid thing that would somehow have gotten me fired. Skipper did not fall down the concrete steps. Dutch did not hit her head jumping into the pool. I did not drop the pot of boiling pasta water on my feet. Cook did not get hit by a car on his way home from work. This way of seeing the world might sound awful to some of you, and it certainly makes me more conservative in my life choices, but in a way it's also an opportunity to celebrate. Every day, I am grateful that we are whole and healthy (for NOW).

So - anxiety sucks. But I can see as how it serves an important purpose when it doesn't run totally out of control. It's certainly worse when I'm feeling anxious about something I can't really do anything to fix.* Don't worry about me, though - I'm trying to take better care of myself and practice normal-people breathing,** and I feel better!

* Like the economy. I seem unable to do anything about it.

**Apparently I'd been doing a lot of the Oh-shit-I'm-about-to-be-eaten-by-a-tiger-so-my-body-needs-to-get-ready-to-run kind of breathing, which makes me feel even worse. A quick survey of the internet indicates that I'm the only person on the planet who didn't know the difference.