Choice Chart Director Yes in 2010!
I've written a lot about my struggles with Dutch's negative temperament. She frequently responds to small unpleasantnesses or obstacles in what looks to a non-negative person like an insanely disproportionate way, and it's exhausting and awful for her and for everyone around her.*
I'm reading a book that has all sorts of helpful tips, and I've already begun deploying them in a seat-of-the-pants kind of way, with some success. The basic approach is to give Dutch the tools to handle her negative-ness in a ... positive way! We're supposed to recognize and affirm her feelings (because they're REAL and painful, even though it seems ridiculous to me sometimes), help her recognize that the negative part of her brain is talking really loudly in her head, and give her ways to dial down that voice and come up with coping strategies.
The book suggests that you name the negative voice something like "The Critic" or "Mr. Meany" to give it a separate identity from the child. Dutch's negative voice, named in an on-the-fly attempt to deploy the book's strategies during a crisis, is ... "King No." It's kind of James-Bond-meets-Disney. But IT WORKED. She seems to be at an ideal age and personality point to seize on the idea that there are characters in her head who talk.**
This is how a recent crisis of Dutch's unfolded, my first opportunity to try some spiffy new negativity-combat tools. We had to go to her eye appointment, for which she was unprepared because I'd forgotten about it until the last minute. She realized suddenly that this meant that she would be unable YET AGAIN to be Choice Chart Director, a new classroom task that she was VERY excited to have been assigned for the week, but had been unable to do all week due to various circumstances. She freaked out. She said things like "This ALWAYS happens!" and "I will NEVER get to be Choice Chart Director!",*** and I tried to remember everything I'd been reading. We talked about how King No was making her feel like the problem was overwhelming, and how she was having a really big bad feeling, and she could hold onto that feeling until she was ready to poke it with a pin and deflate it and listen to Princess Yes. Princess Yes helped her identify the problem and some solutions.
I'm reading a book that has all sorts of helpful tips, and I've already begun deploying them in a seat-of-the-pants kind of way, with some success. The basic approach is to give Dutch the tools to handle her negative-ness in a ... positive way! We're supposed to recognize and affirm her feelings (because they're REAL and painful, even though it seems ridiculous to me sometimes), help her recognize that the negative part of her brain is talking really loudly in her head, and give her ways to dial down that voice and come up with coping strategies.
The book suggests that you name the negative voice something like "The Critic" or "Mr. Meany" to give it a separate identity from the child. Dutch's negative voice, named in an on-the-fly attempt to deploy the book's strategies during a crisis, is ... "King No." It's kind of James-Bond-meets-Disney. But IT WORKED. She seems to be at an ideal age and personality point to seize on the idea that there are characters in her head who talk.**
This is how a recent crisis of Dutch's unfolded, my first opportunity to try some spiffy new negativity-combat tools. We had to go to her eye appointment, for which she was unprepared because I'd forgotten about it until the last minute. She realized suddenly that this meant that she would be unable YET AGAIN to be Choice Chart Director, a new classroom task that she was VERY excited to have been assigned for the week, but had been unable to do all week due to various circumstances. She freaked out. She said things like "This ALWAYS happens!" and "I will NEVER get to be Choice Chart Director!",*** and I tried to remember everything I'd been reading. We talked about how King No was making her feel like the problem was overwhelming, and how she was having a really big bad feeling, and she could hold onto that feeling until she was ready to poke it with a pin and deflate it and listen to Princess Yes. Princess Yes helped her identify the problem and some solutions.
I also got to model some coping techniques myself, because I was feeling all stressed out about being late (did I mention I HATE being late?) and told Dutch that I was feeling bad, and worried that the eye doctor would be angry, etc., and we discussed the actual likely consequences of our lateness, and the fact that the worst that could happen was that the receptionist might be irritable with us and we might have to reschedule the appointment. Which, Dutch pointed out, would actually be good, because then she could be Choice Chart Director! Of course, what actually happened was that they were very nice about our lateness, and we didn't have to reschedule. And Dutch got her tenure as Choice Chart Director extended another week. Princess Yes wins again!
Anyway, we've been using it a bit as necessary. We're also been leaning harder on some other stuff we'd already been trying to do. We sometimes force the whole household to report on the best thing that happened to each of us during the day.****I tell lots of bedtime stories involving kids trying new, hard things, and having to struggle with feeling incompetent.***** We try to emphasize praising effort over accomplishment. Etcetera etcetera etcetera.
*She's not like this all the time. But it happens a lot.
**Because there ARE.
*** This is called "globalizing" in the book - taking the problem - today I'm not going to be Choice Chart Director - and globalizing it to -my life is ruined! I think most of us do this at least occasionally. There's plenty of stuff in the book that's useful for me to use on myself, too!
****This is an exercise that, while fairly awkward for four cynical adults, inevitably proves to be interesting and make everybody feel a little happier.
*****Another bonus of trying this stuff on Dutch right now is that she's the perfect age - old enough to understand a story like that and yet young enough to not be disgusted by the transparent propaganda.
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