fear

I don't check Skipper's breathing too often. For some reason, I'm okay with the breathing during the day. When I wake up in the night (the few times I do that when I'm not awakened by her snuffling piglet noises), I do reach for her in a panic every time, convinced I'm going to touch a cold stiff body. But I think I've mostly reassigned my fear. Now I'm afraid she's going to catch a regular virus* and die. Because new babies do that! And she's SO LITTLE! Dutch is, of course, a spectacular vector of regular viruses, spending her day in close contact with 10-40 preschoolers, about half of whom have runny noses at any given time. I'm resisting the urge to make her take a sanitizing bath upon home re-entry every day. I'm also resisting the urge to stay in the apartment all day every day, muttering incantations under my breath. 

I keep making little bargains with any Powers That Might Be. Let her stay healthy until she's six weeks old, then she can get sick. But not die. And not get really sick. 

I also take other, more sane precautions. I wash my hands. I make Dutch wash her hands twice when she gets home every day. I don't let people touch Skipper unless they've just washed their hands, and then I ask them not to touch her face. (I keep her in the wrap when I'm in public, to avoid touching opportunities.) I avoid crowded places, and if somebody's coughing, I move away from them at high speed. 

I'm not a panicky mom, normally. Really. I don't think I'm at all overprotective as a general rule, in spite of being a terrible worrier. But the experience of being in the hospital for three days has popped the delusion bubble around this baby, and she seems so very fragile and mortal to me. I worried about Dutch, but I didn't really believe anything could hurt her, since she was protected by my crazy love for her. Skipper,  though I love her just as crazy much, feels much less securely anchored to my world, and I feel a constant ache of anxiety in my gut.

Now I'm going to take Skipper to the grocery store, where I will suspiciously scan everyone around me for signs of illness.

*No, not swine flu. Geez, I've got enough to worry about. I'm waiting till we get to pandemic Phase 6!