It's complicated
The half-mile walk from the bus stop to the daycare was a slog for me yesterday morning, with Skipper in the frontpack (all pissed off, because she wanted to walk) and Dutch dawdling along behind, nattering incessantly on tedious topics. I was exhausted, anxious, greasy, sweaty, and generally feeling crappy. I had been unpleasant and impatient with both kids the whole commute, and was feeling bad about that and also irritated with both of them. Also, it was raining. As we stood at an intersection waiting for the green light, I was staring off into space, ignoring Dutch while she prattled, and I heard somebody say "Good job, mom!" I turned and saw a man who had paused on his way into the grocery store, looking straight at me. "Good job, mom!" he repeated, looking very earnest.
I don't celebrate Mother's Day, being of the opinion that it's become a condescending and almost insulting holiday. If society actually values mothering, it would be nice to show it in some way other than one day of guilting people into spending money on cards and flowers. Who cares about daffodils - how about some paid parental leave, or universal childcare? Or hey, world peace?
However, if I'm going to get a day where people celebrate me for doing the kind of caregiving that the whole society should be doing for our children, I'm not sure what would be appropriate. For my Mother's Day present, Dutch has offered (spontaneously, I swear) to "not freak out ALL DAY!" Which sounds pretty good to me. But what I'd really like for a special day for me is just to be alone. I don't need flowers, or a spa, or a vacation destination, or anyThing. I just want to be on my own for a little while, with nobody asking anything of me. A former boss of mine, Lady Catherine de Bourgh,* once told me smugly that she didn't understand why so many people celebrated Mother's Day by doing stuff without their children. SHE wanted to spend time WITH her children on Mother's Day. (The subtext in everything she ever said about parenting, or actually anything, was that everybody else was doing it wrong.) Whatever. Apparently I'm one of those bad selfish mommies.
After I dropped off the kids yesterday, I went swimming. I haven't been going very often lately, because I haven't had time. I still don't have time, but I really needed the swim. It was fantastic. The adjective that sprang into my mind as I kicked off was "free" - I was free!
When I visited the daycare later on in the day, Skipper was delighted to see me, and gave me a hug. Then she pointed at one of her classmates, looked at me and explained something in fluent Ewok, and wobbled off to do some sort of important activity involving a purple plastic ball. When I left, she casually waved good-bye and went back to her business in her community.
I'd like to see the celebration of Mother's Day in my life as a day to remember the importance of caregiving for all of us, and, on the personal level, a day to recognize the richness, the mundanity, and in the end, the limitations of the mother-child relationship. I am on my own, and so are Skipper and Dutch. So is my own mom, an openhearted mother and a woman with a gift for building community. It's up to us to work out how to be ourselves and also be with eachother.
So that's this year's cranky, wandering Mother's Day diatribe.
I also wish to give my congratulations and blessings, in honest joy and celebration, to A, and to J, and to L, who are launching this year into the brave and ordinary work of mothering. Let's get cracking on the world peace thing, everybody, before those babies grow up.
*Famous in our household for having told me that she could have been a professional dancer if she had pursued dance more seriously, and that she could have gotten an advanced degree in mathematics, had she chosen to pursue it.
I don't celebrate Mother's Day, being of the opinion that it's become a condescending and almost insulting holiday. If society actually values mothering, it would be nice to show it in some way other than one day of guilting people into spending money on cards and flowers. Who cares about daffodils - how about some paid parental leave, or universal childcare? Or hey, world peace?
However, if I'm going to get a day where people celebrate me for doing the kind of caregiving that the whole society should be doing for our children, I'm not sure what would be appropriate. For my Mother's Day present, Dutch has offered (spontaneously, I swear) to "not freak out ALL DAY!" Which sounds pretty good to me. But what I'd really like for a special day for me is just to be alone. I don't need flowers, or a spa, or a vacation destination, or anyThing. I just want to be on my own for a little while, with nobody asking anything of me. A former boss of mine, Lady Catherine de Bourgh,* once told me smugly that she didn't understand why so many people celebrated Mother's Day by doing stuff without their children. SHE wanted to spend time WITH her children on Mother's Day. (The subtext in everything she ever said about parenting, or actually anything, was that everybody else was doing it wrong.) Whatever. Apparently I'm one of those bad selfish mommies.
After I dropped off the kids yesterday, I went swimming. I haven't been going very often lately, because I haven't had time. I still don't have time, but I really needed the swim. It was fantastic. The adjective that sprang into my mind as I kicked off was "free" - I was free!
When I visited the daycare later on in the day, Skipper was delighted to see me, and gave me a hug. Then she pointed at one of her classmates, looked at me and explained something in fluent Ewok, and wobbled off to do some sort of important activity involving a purple plastic ball. When I left, she casually waved good-bye and went back to her business in her community.
I'd like to see the celebration of Mother's Day in my life as a day to remember the importance of caregiving for all of us, and, on the personal level, a day to recognize the richness, the mundanity, and in the end, the limitations of the mother-child relationship. I am on my own, and so are Skipper and Dutch. So is my own mom, an openhearted mother and a woman with a gift for building community. It's up to us to work out how to be ourselves and also be with eachother.
So that's this year's cranky, wandering Mother's Day diatribe.
I also wish to give my congratulations and blessings, in honest joy and celebration, to A, and to J, and to L, who are launching this year into the brave and ordinary work of mothering. Let's get cracking on the world peace thing, everybody, before those babies grow up.
*Famous in our household for having told me that she could have been a professional dancer if she had pursued dance more seriously, and that she could have gotten an advanced degree in mathematics, had she chosen to pursue it.
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