Doing things the hard way
Skipper hates preschool. Her anxiety levels, already not exactly low, are hitting new highs. Lately, she's been complaining a lot about pain, particularly stomach pain. I'm not particularly concerned about the stomach-aches themselves- her digestion seems normal, the pain is generalized, and there is a family history * of not only anxiety but also anxiety-related stomach pain - but it still makes me feel sad that she is in emotional and physical pain.**
While the regular day is stressful for her, any kind of disruption in the schedule is a source of deep dismay and worry for her - picture day, getting hot lunch instead of bringing it from home, fire drills, etc. I think a lot of her anxiety is related to her difficulty in communicating with peers and teachers. I think she feels really alone at school, like she's completely responsible for everything, and she doesn't have the right or the ability to get support. When I pick her up at the end of the day, she often has a Sadness that she's been incubating for hours and never told anybody about. Yesterday, she burst into tears when I picked her up, because she had misplaced her sweatshirt about an hour earlier, and it had an important piece of ribbon in the pocket. She hadn't told a teacher or done anything else to solve the problem, just sat on the awful feeling of loss while it grew and grew. The sweatshirt,with the precious scavenged scrap of ribbon, turned out to be lying on the floor in a corner. All that sorrow could have been quickly and easily prevented by a quick request of a teacher or peer for help. Most of her classmates wouldn't even hesitate to ask for help in that situation, but she just can't do it. There's nothing blithe about Skipper. That's hardwired in her personality, and I'm afraid that if she can't figure out some workarounds, she's going to have to tackle every challenge in her life alone, the hard way.
She's working to find ways to comfort herself. She has adopted a security blanket (literally), which is a new thing; she never had any kind of security object before. She also has a new imaginary friend who manifests only at school. His name is Murphy. Apparently, he's not invisible, but "he likes to sit where nobody can see him."
I don't know if there's a way we can substantially help her. I'm not interested in doing a Grey Gardens thing, so letting her hide at home forever isn't an option. I expect some (good) play therapy, or a really good, really small, really expensive preschool situation, or some other high-maintenance strategy would be helpful. But given our financial and emotional resources, I don't think there's an easy way to help her. In a way, she's right to feel so alone, because she is. She has to do this alone. We can support her, but it's going to be her own work that pulls her through.
I have some glimmers of hope that she is making progress, between her coping strategies, and her accruing experiences of working through anxiety. This week, she and all her classmates had to do a health screening (courtesy of the county health department), involving quick, painless ear/teeth/eye checks. The teacher told the class about it the day before, and Skipper spent the subsequent 20 hours fretting herself into a state of misery. We talked about it, Duchess told her reassuring stories about her own experience, and I warned the teacher that she was worried about it, but I'm not sure that any of that made a difference (see above, doing it alone). When I picked her up that day, Skipper reported that the screening was not scary, and that she laughed while it was going on. After telling me about it for a few minutes, she paused, and then said thoughtfully, "I guess I didn't need to worry about it so much." I hope she gets to a place where she can apply that earned wisdom, and feel less alone, less burdened.
*I wrote about Duchess's stomach pain when she was almost exactly the same age.
** And, of course, I feel worried that maybe there's something actually physically wrong.
While the regular day is stressful for her, any kind of disruption in the schedule is a source of deep dismay and worry for her - picture day, getting hot lunch instead of bringing it from home, fire drills, etc. I think a lot of her anxiety is related to her difficulty in communicating with peers and teachers. I think she feels really alone at school, like she's completely responsible for everything, and she doesn't have the right or the ability to get support. When I pick her up at the end of the day, she often has a Sadness that she's been incubating for hours and never told anybody about. Yesterday, she burst into tears when I picked her up, because she had misplaced her sweatshirt about an hour earlier, and it had an important piece of ribbon in the pocket. She hadn't told a teacher or done anything else to solve the problem, just sat on the awful feeling of loss while it grew and grew. The sweatshirt,with the precious scavenged scrap of ribbon, turned out to be lying on the floor in a corner. All that sorrow could have been quickly and easily prevented by a quick request of a teacher or peer for help. Most of her classmates wouldn't even hesitate to ask for help in that situation, but she just can't do it. There's nothing blithe about Skipper. That's hardwired in her personality, and I'm afraid that if she can't figure out some workarounds, she's going to have to tackle every challenge in her life alone, the hard way.
She's working to find ways to comfort herself. She has adopted a security blanket (literally), which is a new thing; she never had any kind of security object before. She also has a new imaginary friend who manifests only at school. His name is Murphy. Apparently, he's not invisible, but "he likes to sit where nobody can see him."
I don't know if there's a way we can substantially help her. I'm not interested in doing a Grey Gardens thing, so letting her hide at home forever isn't an option. I expect some (good) play therapy, or a really good, really small, really expensive preschool situation, or some other high-maintenance strategy would be helpful. But given our financial and emotional resources, I don't think there's an easy way to help her. In a way, she's right to feel so alone, because she is. She has to do this alone. We can support her, but it's going to be her own work that pulls her through.
I have some glimmers of hope that she is making progress, between her coping strategies, and her accruing experiences of working through anxiety. This week, she and all her classmates had to do a health screening (courtesy of the county health department), involving quick, painless ear/teeth/eye checks. The teacher told the class about it the day before, and Skipper spent the subsequent 20 hours fretting herself into a state of misery. We talked about it, Duchess told her reassuring stories about her own experience, and I warned the teacher that she was worried about it, but I'm not sure that any of that made a difference (see above, doing it alone). When I picked her up that day, Skipper reported that the screening was not scary, and that she laughed while it was going on. After telling me about it for a few minutes, she paused, and then said thoughtfully, "I guess I didn't need to worry about it so much." I hope she gets to a place where she can apply that earned wisdom, and feel less alone, less burdened.
*I wrote about Duchess's stomach pain when she was almost exactly the same age.
** And, of course, I feel worried that maybe there's something actually physically wrong.
Comments
what are your thoughts about trying some constitutional support via homeopathy or something like that? (yes, woo woo. fine. but it can't hurt and it might help.) western medicine studies have denounced homeopathy's effectiveness, but all the studies i've seen are poorly designed to actually study homeopathy instead of trying to make it allopathy.
i do realize you didn't ask for any suggestions. my apologies, if they're appropriate.