Grr.
There is a category of advice frequently given to busy parents that drives me crazy. It's very sensible advice, and I've given it myself, hypocritically, to other parents. Here it is: Take Care of Yourself! My least favorite advice in this category is Sleep When The Baby Sleeps. Also, Make Sure You Take Time For Yourself Every Day to Exercise/Meditate/Do Your Hair/Eat Healthy Food/Sleep/Be Creative/Whatever. Again, it's VERY sensible. When I am rested and exercised and eating well, I am much happier, nicer, and more energetic, and that's good for everybody.
But... I am already taking care of people. I don't WANT to take care of anybody else, even myself. And the time that I take to Sleep/Exercise/Meditate/Etc is time that I then have to make up later on, because the dishes will still be piled up in the sink, the bag of poop-stained laundry will still be waiting by the door, we will still be out of bread. This sort of advice usually comes with a condescending suggestion that you go ahead and let the housekeeping slip a bit to get some extra time. Like... maybe you could skip ironing the sheets to make time to do some Tai Chi. Unfortunately, if our housekeeping standards slip any more, Health & Human Services will come after us. Anyway, if they slip any further, it will stress me out even more; I don't actually like living among roaming herds of dust creatures, though you'd never guess that from the state of our home.
It annoys me. How am I supposed to squeeze in time to Take Care of Myself? I keep a running list in my mind of Stuff That Needs to Be Done. When I get an unexpected break (the baby sleeps in her crib for an hour while Dutch plays by herself), I do as many of those things as I can - dishes, laundry, pumping breast milk, making granola, dinner prep, tidying, paying the bills, etc. I also go to the bathroom and/or feed myself something. In the evening, Cook comes home, and one of us chats with Skipper while watching Dutch's performances, while the other makes dinner. Then we all eat dinner, and then Cook or I get Dutch ready for bed while the other minds the baby or (if she's sleeping in the crib) does dishes. Then one of us sits with Dutch for a while while the other minds the baby and cleans or does consulting work. After we've finally got both kids down, usually sometime between 9 and 10, Cook usually does consulting work while I finish the dishes, take a shower, fold laundry, etc.
I would love to do some self-care. But when would I do it? And if I did it, who would do the dishes and the laundry? The best I can do is lots of walking with the kids, to keep me from gaining 300 pounds. I am aware that there are people who wake up at 4 AM* to work out for an hour and write a chapter of their novel before cooking a nutritious breakfast for their large happy families. But those people are scary! They don't count.
But... I am already taking care of people. I don't WANT to take care of anybody else, even myself. And the time that I take to Sleep/Exercise/Meditate/Etc is time that I then have to make up later on, because the dishes will still be piled up in the sink, the bag of poop-stained laundry will still be waiting by the door, we will still be out of bread. This sort of advice usually comes with a condescending suggestion that you go ahead and let the housekeeping slip a bit to get some extra time. Like... maybe you could skip ironing the sheets to make time to do some Tai Chi. Unfortunately, if our housekeeping standards slip any more, Health & Human Services will come after us. Anyway, if they slip any further, it will stress me out even more; I don't actually like living among roaming herds of dust creatures, though you'd never guess that from the state of our home.
It annoys me. How am I supposed to squeeze in time to Take Care of Myself? I keep a running list in my mind of Stuff That Needs to Be Done. When I get an unexpected break (the baby sleeps in her crib for an hour while Dutch plays by herself), I do as many of those things as I can - dishes, laundry, pumping breast milk, making granola, dinner prep, tidying, paying the bills, etc. I also go to the bathroom and/or feed myself something. In the evening, Cook comes home, and one of us chats with Skipper while watching Dutch's performances, while the other makes dinner. Then we all eat dinner, and then Cook or I get Dutch ready for bed while the other minds the baby or (if she's sleeping in the crib) does dishes. Then one of us sits with Dutch for a while while the other minds the baby and cleans or does consulting work. After we've finally got both kids down, usually sometime between 9 and 10, Cook usually does consulting work while I finish the dishes, take a shower, fold laundry, etc.
I would love to do some self-care. But when would I do it? And if I did it, who would do the dishes and the laundry? The best I can do is lots of walking with the kids, to keep me from gaining 300 pounds. I am aware that there are people who wake up at 4 AM* to work out for an hour and write a chapter of their novel before cooking a nutritious breakfast for their large happy families. But those people are scary! They don't count.
Everybody needs help (except those crazy 4-AM-wakers), and nobody can actually take care of him or herself alone. Give me some paid parental leave, good cheap childcare, good cheap health care, and THEN I'll take care of myself. Until then, I'm going to be staggering around like a flabby zombie.
* I do wake at 4 AM sometimes, but I definitely don't get up and work out, unless you count singing and sashaying around the dark living room with a 12-pound weight, while trying not to fall down from total exhaustion.
* I do wake at 4 AM sometimes, but I definitely don't get up and work out, unless you count singing and sashaying around the dark living room with a 12-pound weight, while trying not to fall down from total exhaustion.
Comments
but
i grok it as much as possible.
time for tai chi after waking up at 4 AM indeed.
where *is* that paid parental leave and good healthcare and cheap childcare already?