I stay up too late

I am very, very tired. I think my sleep deficit is the size of the nation's debt. Every night, I think "I HAVE to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight."

Every night I stay up too late.* That time after the girls are asleep is so precious that I just can't find the willpower to give it up.** It's the time when I am not defined by my parenting role, and I can cast around a little bit to try to remember who I am.*** When I go to sleep, that time is over, and I know that I'll be woken by somebody who needs me for something she thinks is very important.

Today Dutch told me that she doesn't like school; she explained that she just wishes she could be with her family all day. She doesn't want us there all the time, just when she needs her mom. I told her that I think that when you boil down this whole "growing up" business, it pretty much just comes to learning how to be mom to yourself.

So maybe being somebody's mom, for me, also means having less time and mental space to be mom to myself. Between 8 and 11 PM, I try to catch up on that.

* By which I mean 11ish, usually. That may not sound late to you, but in that case, you probably have either no kids, grown kids, or kids whom you've trained better than I've trained mine.

**Not that I'm known for my willpower. I can't find the willpower to give up anything I like, from ancient socks to any sort of food that's bad for me.

***Other than unemployable and exhausted, which aren't exactly adjectives anybody hopes to earn from any kind of yearbook.