The Least Adoptable Puppy
In the middle of a tearful conversation about daycare last night (will I EVER be at peace with this?), I articulated something that I've been trying to work out for a while. Dutch, my lovely, bright, funny, thoughtful, whimsical, goofy child, isn't very charming. In an environment where she feels safe, with relatives or close friends, she's silly and loud and attention-demanding like most any kid, but in an environment like daycare, or the picnic we attended yesterday, where there's a lot going on or a lot of people she doesn't know, she is quiet and watchful. When things go wrong, she whines and cries and refuses to explain why she's crying or what she needs.
In my childcare experience, the rowdy (extroverted!) kids usually absorbed the constant attention of the teachers. They need to be calmed and disciplined when they're being crazy, and then they're often the most charming of kids when they're not being crazy - they hug you and smile at you and generally work diligently to secure your attention and affection, and it works beautifully. It's also simple - you know what you have to do to solve the issues that come up around these kids, and they make it very straightforward to have a relationship with them. A kid like Dutch, who doesn't overflow with smiles and laughter and general flirting, isn't as simple, or anywhere near as engaging. She's easy to ignore when she's being "good" because she's quiet (and you're busy trying to keep the rowdy kids from tearing the place apart), and when she falls apart, there's no simple solution - giving her a timeout or yelling at her doesn't resolve anything at all.
I can see that the emotional and social signals she gives off are not attractive. When I go to pick her up at daycare, the playground is teeming with gorgeous kids who smile at me and wave and shout "Hi!" or even "Hello, Dutch's Mommy!" and then there's Dutch, usually off in a corner doing something by herself or with one or two other kids, never in the thick of things. She usually doesn't even say hello - every once in a while Cook or I get a greeting hug, but usually she just looks at us and starts telling us something, without much expression of enthusiasm. We love her like crazy, but I have to admit that if I was shopping for a kid, she'd probably not be the one I'd pick from the playground. If I were her teacher and not her parent, she wouldn't be my favorite (that would be the Incredibly Adorable Q, who dashes joyfully into the classroom every day and jumps on the beanbag - he's Dutch's favorite, too, even after the biting incident - she calls him "My Q" and apparently cries when he leaves for the day).
So the daycare problem - her teachers (like me, during my childcare work experience) are not trained or temperamentally equipped to deal with reserved whiny kids. They seem to be very good at dealing with the charming loud kids.
Ugh. It's time for me to stop analyzing this to death (and whining about it!) and start actually doing something about it, which requires me to be aggressive and confront people, something about which I'm horribly cowardly.
I feel the need to add, in the hopes that you all won't think I'm a dreadful parent, that we could never communicate to Dutch that she's not charming. She actually charms us like crazy, but of course we're extra-susceptible. I think it's an important part of parenting to try to step back and see your child as the world sees her and as she sees her place in the world. If you think she's perfect, you'll never see potential and actual problems that you could help her get through. I mean, of course Dutch IS perfect, but the world isn't perfect for her.
In my childcare experience, the rowdy (extroverted!) kids usually absorbed the constant attention of the teachers. They need to be calmed and disciplined when they're being crazy, and then they're often the most charming of kids when they're not being crazy - they hug you and smile at you and generally work diligently to secure your attention and affection, and it works beautifully. It's also simple - you know what you have to do to solve the issues that come up around these kids, and they make it very straightforward to have a relationship with them. A kid like Dutch, who doesn't overflow with smiles and laughter and general flirting, isn't as simple, or anywhere near as engaging. She's easy to ignore when she's being "good" because she's quiet (and you're busy trying to keep the rowdy kids from tearing the place apart), and when she falls apart, there's no simple solution - giving her a timeout or yelling at her doesn't resolve anything at all.
I can see that the emotional and social signals she gives off are not attractive. When I go to pick her up at daycare, the playground is teeming with gorgeous kids who smile at me and wave and shout "Hi!" or even "Hello, Dutch's Mommy!" and then there's Dutch, usually off in a corner doing something by herself or with one or two other kids, never in the thick of things. She usually doesn't even say hello - every once in a while Cook or I get a greeting hug, but usually she just looks at us and starts telling us something, without much expression of enthusiasm. We love her like crazy, but I have to admit that if I was shopping for a kid, she'd probably not be the one I'd pick from the playground. If I were her teacher and not her parent, she wouldn't be my favorite (that would be the Incredibly Adorable Q, who dashes joyfully into the classroom every day and jumps on the beanbag - he's Dutch's favorite, too, even after the biting incident - she calls him "My Q" and apparently cries when he leaves for the day).
So the daycare problem - her teachers (like me, during my childcare work experience) are not trained or temperamentally equipped to deal with reserved whiny kids. They seem to be very good at dealing with the charming loud kids.
Ugh. It's time for me to stop analyzing this to death (and whining about it!) and start actually doing something about it, which requires me to be aggressive and confront people, something about which I'm horribly cowardly.
I feel the need to add, in the hopes that you all won't think I'm a dreadful parent, that we could never communicate to Dutch that she's not charming. She actually charms us like crazy, but of course we're extra-susceptible. I think it's an important part of parenting to try to step back and see your child as the world sees her and as she sees her place in the world. If you think she's perfect, you'll never see potential and actual problems that you could help her get through. I mean, of course Dutch IS perfect, but the world isn't perfect for her.
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