The truth, it is out there.
I just read this article and I think you should read it, too. It's based on some studies and a very scientific Newsweek poll, but I just like it because it voices a truth that's pretty much taboo to articulate. Having kids ruins your life. It does - it kills your old life completely, and you will never get it back again. I've said this many times, but people usually laugh nervously and sidle away, pretending they didn't hear me. My coworker said to me today (I think after I had just said something about my kid driving me nuts) that I didn't "really seem like a mom." I was kind of flattered and kind of insulted.
I want to second the notion that it is OKAY TO NOT WANT KIDS. It is more than okay, it is probably a smart decision. I mean, we can't afford as a society to all stop having kids, so it's good that many people (like me) find the hormonal momentum too overwhelming to resist, but it'd probably be better if there was less pressure on the kids-are-the-best-thing-ever front. Because they are not the best thing ever. Having a kid is like getting a new housemate who turns out to be the absolute worst housemate ever and cannot be evicted, EVER. The article also mentioned that having kids has gotten more expensive as our social support systems crumble around us.*
I do love Dutch, and her whining, and her sticky kisses. There is no point in considering my life without her, because she cannot be undone, and I cannot possibly want her undone. Beyond the general societal taboo on wishing your child undone, I just can't imagine that my life without her could be richer than my life with her. It would be different. I'd have a lot more time to myself. I could choose my own housemates, ones with better manners and more timely rent payments.* There's no way to know what parenting will do to your life until it happens, and then you've already gotten on the boat, and it's overflowing with love and fear and frustration, and you lost your return ticket somewhere. I don't think very many people, even the worst parents of the worst kids, would ever wish their child undone.
Having a kid isn't harder than not having a kid, either, mind you. It's just hard being a grown-up, and if you don't have kids you have other challenges. I hate it when people with kids condescend to people without kids, or treat the decision not to have children as a decision to be an infantile narcissist. I think there's something about parenting that makes people crave validation, and we get that from having people make decisions similar to our decisions, whether it's the decision to have a kid in the first place or the decision to give the kid a pacifier. We have a kid, and gosh, it's really not what we expected and it's really demanding and annoying and tedious, and we start to look around uncomfortably and wonder... did we make a mistake? Are we doing this wrong? Should we have gotten that kitten instead? Childless people make us nervous because their choice makes ours look kind of... ill-considered.
Anyway, best of luck to all of you in your parenting or your non-parenting, your six kids or your two kids or your no kids. I support you. You made the right choice. Your life is hard, but you're terrific.
*Still waiting on your first check, Dutch. Get a job already!
I want to second the notion that it is OKAY TO NOT WANT KIDS. It is more than okay, it is probably a smart decision. I mean, we can't afford as a society to all stop having kids, so it's good that many people (like me) find the hormonal momentum too overwhelming to resist, but it'd probably be better if there was less pressure on the kids-are-the-best-thing-ever front. Because they are not the best thing ever. Having a kid is like getting a new housemate who turns out to be the absolute worst housemate ever and cannot be evicted, EVER. The article also mentioned that having kids has gotten more expensive as our social support systems crumble around us.*
I do love Dutch, and her whining, and her sticky kisses. There is no point in considering my life without her, because she cannot be undone, and I cannot possibly want her undone. Beyond the general societal taboo on wishing your child undone, I just can't imagine that my life without her could be richer than my life with her. It would be different. I'd have a lot more time to myself. I could choose my own housemates, ones with better manners and more timely rent payments.* There's no way to know what parenting will do to your life until it happens, and then you've already gotten on the boat, and it's overflowing with love and fear and frustration, and you lost your return ticket somewhere. I don't think very many people, even the worst parents of the worst kids, would ever wish their child undone.
Having a kid isn't harder than not having a kid, either, mind you. It's just hard being a grown-up, and if you don't have kids you have other challenges. I hate it when people with kids condescend to people without kids, or treat the decision not to have children as a decision to be an infantile narcissist. I think there's something about parenting that makes people crave validation, and we get that from having people make decisions similar to our decisions, whether it's the decision to have a kid in the first place or the decision to give the kid a pacifier. We have a kid, and gosh, it's really not what we expected and it's really demanding and annoying and tedious, and we start to look around uncomfortably and wonder... did we make a mistake? Are we doing this wrong? Should we have gotten that kitten instead? Childless people make us nervous because their choice makes ours look kind of... ill-considered.
Anyway, best of luck to all of you in your parenting or your non-parenting, your six kids or your two kids or your no kids. I support you. You made the right choice. Your life is hard, but you're terrific.
*Still waiting on your first check, Dutch. Get a job already!
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