How it feels to be unemployable

I asked Dutch last month what she thought I would most like for Christmas, and she said "A job!"

Last week I got a group email sent out by one of my former classmates to our whole cohort, asking if anyone else was planning to take a specific professional certification exam this year and wanted to join her for studying. "Oh," I thought, "That might actually be a good idea for me!" because hey, might as well be more qualified, right? So I looked it up and it turns out that in order to take the exam, you have to have had 2 years of professional experience in the field. Oh, well.

The next day, I attended a meeting (remember that meeting?) at the offices of the regional government body, which is always a little painful for me because I've wanted to work there since we moved to Portland, and I feel overwhelmingly jealous of all the employees I see walking around.* While waiting for my meeting to start, I saw several of my former classmates who now have jobs there or at other agencies (and were there for another meeting). It made me feel sick and sad and so, so, so jealous. And I feel bad for feeling so envious and ungenerous. These classmates are all perfectly nice people, and totally competent; I am sure they are good at their jobs. I am incapable, however, of being happy for them. All I feel is this terrible wave of envy and anger and humiliation that they have jobs - real jobs, in the field for which they trained, with benefits and even maybe some interesting tasks!- and I do not.

I have applied to I-don't-even-know-how-many jobs in the last year. I have interviewed for four jobs since I graduated. I've done informational interviews. Every single one of my professional contacts (and yes, my friends and relations, too) is sick of hearing me whine about my failure to secure a job.** It's exhausting and humiliating to try to jump through all the hoops and to still be rejected and overlooked at every turn, and I feel just pummeled into the ground. When my child-caring time increased in the fall, I used that as an excuse to reduce my efforts a lot, but I know I have to try harder, because I'm terrified that I have become unemployable. The longer I go without a real job, the rustier my connections and education and experience get, and the more I look like somebody who doesn't have a job not because of unfortunate circumstances, but because of some serious problem that makes me unemployable. I have completely internalized all the rejection, of course, and I FEEL now like I don't deserve a job. I may be a reasonably intelligent and conscientious person with lots of education, but my many failings*** are clearly too great to overcome those assets.

I know this is all stupid and narcissistic and self-pitying, and I've gotten to this point as a result of many factors, some of which are completely out of my control, and of course I deserve a job, etc., but all I really wanted to say is that being unemployable feels terrible. It does.

However, I want to end this (stupid, narcissistic, self-pitying) post on this note: I am really, really enjoying spending time with Skipper right now. I've been trying to get extra things done while I'm home with her (house-buying stuff,**** work, job applications, volunteer tasks, etc.), and that's a hassle, but when I'm not trying to get that stuff done and can just kind of hang out with her, it's rewarding and mellow and enjoyable. So a small hooray for underemployment, and the chance to spend some fleeting moments with my rapidly-growing little girl!

*I feel jealous of everybody in the whole world who has a job that has benefits and pays more than $15/hour.

**I am fully aware that it's not a good idea to whine to professional contacts, and that I should be radiating confidence and optimism, and chatting cheerfully about their professional successes. I'm not very good at that. Actually, I'm really terrible at it. I know I should be working on that, too.

***Sloppy! Lazy! Loud! Bad listener! Uninformed! Judgmental! Annoying habit of singing tunelessly! Etc.

**** Oh my god, the house-buying process is so miserable. The repair negotiation and the repairs have taken/are taking forever, the seller's agent has been really snarky and difficult, and we're really disappointed in our mortgage broker. Also, a crisis with the verification of employment at Cook's job... but it should all wrap up sometime next day. I hope.