Hopes/Fears
A long time ago,* in a galaxy far, far away,** I got an interview for a job I really, really wanted. They called me to schedule a second interview. Meanwhile, I was offered a job I kind of wanted. We needed the money, and I was unable to negotiate to keep a bird in the hand until the other bird decided whether it wanted to come to hand, too. Or something. Anyway, I withdrew from the running for the job I really wanted, and took a job that turned out to be kind of awful. Two years later, the job I had wanted opened up again. I applied, got an interview, and was rejected. I was pretty sad. I still think about that job with regret.
On Monday, I found a listed job that I really, really want. I REALLY WANT IT. It's pretty much the job I went back to school to get. I know that there's no guarantee it would actually BE a good job, and I'm sure there are plenty of other jobs that I would love, but it feels like this is The One. Which, of course, means that if (and when***) I get rejected, it's going to break my heart and plunge me into the pit of despair.
I submitted my application last night, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I lay awake last night thinking about how wonderful it would be if I GOT the job and how awful it would be if I DIDN'T get the job and how wonderful and how awful and how wonderful... it was terrible. I keep ambushing Cook (usually when he's deeply absorbed in solving a problem or lost in thought) and saying pointless, no-good-answer things like "They'll call me for an interview, at least, won't they?" or "Do you think they'll call my Reference One?" or "Cook! I REALLY WANT THIS JOB!!!" and finally he semi-gently suggested that I come up with a better way to spend the next six weeks. My current plan is to apply for as many jobs as I can find, to spread out the anxiety a little.
There's more here than just the pain of rejection. The thing is, I never thought when I was young and feckless that I'd be this desperate in my adulthood to find a job, any job. I thought I might have a hard time finding my dream job. I didn't think I'd be grateful to have a part-time $12/hour job, and be struggling to find anything else. Now a door has opened just a crack, and I can catch a glimpse back into that lovely world I thought I could live in, where you GET a chance at a dream job. All this anxiety is (I think) the emotional equivalent of cringing from a door that's about to slam on your foot.
*Six years
**Oakland
***That's not false modesty. I've been involved in enough hiring processes to know that it's kind of a crapshoot anyway, and when there are about 800,000 other applicants in the crapshoot (many of them very well-qualified), even a fabulous candidate like myself has to acknowledge that the odds are ominous.
On Monday, I found a listed job that I really, really want. I REALLY WANT IT. It's pretty much the job I went back to school to get. I know that there's no guarantee it would actually BE a good job, and I'm sure there are plenty of other jobs that I would love, but it feels like this is The One. Which, of course, means that if (and when***) I get rejected, it's going to break my heart and plunge me into the pit of despair.
I submitted my application last night, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I lay awake last night thinking about how wonderful it would be if I GOT the job and how awful it would be if I DIDN'T get the job and how wonderful and how awful and how wonderful... it was terrible. I keep ambushing Cook (usually when he's deeply absorbed in solving a problem or lost in thought) and saying pointless, no-good-answer things like "They'll call me for an interview, at least, won't they?" or "Do you think they'll call my Reference One?" or "Cook! I REALLY WANT THIS JOB!!!" and finally he semi-gently suggested that I come up with a better way to spend the next six weeks. My current plan is to apply for as many jobs as I can find, to spread out the anxiety a little.
There's more here than just the pain of rejection. The thing is, I never thought when I was young and feckless that I'd be this desperate in my adulthood to find a job, any job. I thought I might have a hard time finding my dream job. I didn't think I'd be grateful to have a part-time $12/hour job, and be struggling to find anything else. Now a door has opened just a crack, and I can catch a glimpse back into that lovely world I thought I could live in, where you GET a chance at a dream job. All this anxiety is (I think) the emotional equivalent of cringing from a door that's about to slam on your foot.
*Six years
**Oakland
***That's not false modesty. I've been involved in enough hiring processes to know that it's kind of a crapshoot anyway, and when there are about 800,000 other applicants in the crapshoot (many of them very well-qualified), even a fabulous candidate like myself has to acknowledge that the odds are ominous.
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